I can no longer be silent. I have remained quiet on social media regarding this election and politics, but after the election of Donald Trump, I simply must break my silence.
What I am about to write requires courage and understanding that after this is published, I may lose people who are near and dear to me.
At the age of twelve, I was violently and brutally raped by four young men who existed in the same small town as me. What started out as, “locker room” talk turned into what felt like hours of cruelty and brutality so great, when it was over, my body felt as if it had been covered in a heavy oil of shame and that I was unable to move it or pick it up from the grass where it lay. The backlash from these few hours has been great.
I have felt pain, shame, and self loathing so deep and unbearable, the only relief I found was in slicing the flesh of my arms, legs, and abdomen; which left scars, that are to this day, still visible. And when the pain of slicing did not work, I made several attempts to end my life. This, the most violent act a human being can commit, to perpetrate one’s own death, I wanted more than anything.
And through, all of this, at no time did I ever feel safe enough with anyone, to tell what had happened to me…for over thirty years.
As I watched state after state on Tuesday night turn the same vivid red of the blood I poured from my arms, I realized that the majority of this country continues to feel justified, entitled, righteous in inflicting this kind of pain on me, simply because I am a woman.
I am by no means stating, accusing, or insinuating that Donald Trump is a rapist, however he does represent, publicly displays, and boast about the culture (groupthink) that allowed those boys to rape me. These are some comments said to me during and in the many years after the rape by those boys.
- “Just grab her tits, she likes it.”
- “Look at her crying, fat pig.”
- “Just fuck her dirty mouth, she’s disgusting.”
- “Fuck her like a dog.”
- And for years, decades, I believed every word.
Please compare these comments to those made by Donald Trump.
- “You have to treat ‘em like shit.”
- “I’d look right in that fat, ugly face of hers, and say, ‘Rosie you are fired.’
- In reference to Beck, a breastfeeding mother, he said she was, “disgusting.”
- “The face of a Dog” written across a photo of Gail Collins.
- “When you are a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Whatever you want, grab them by the pussy.”
I have not eaten, slept well, nor ever felt so hopeless for my country as I have in the past few days. And what shocks me most, is that people who are gloating, excited to have this man lead our country…love me.
They are my family, my dearest friends, my life and have been a part of my healing, have given me the strength through their hugs, their own tragedies, and their support to come forward and tell my story.
In the days, months and years after the rape, one boy in particular seemed to enjoy throwing jibes at me on and around school campus, parties, and other social events. It became so bad, I would hide, or drink and drug myself into a stupor to numb the experience. About a week after the rape, he started calling me after school, masturbating and breathing into the phone.
Before the days of caller ID, blocking numbers, and other technological advances, my mother and I reported the calls to the police and it took months to trace where the calls came from, but prior to the police even being willing to take a report, we had to track and write down every call, to “prove” it was harassment. When they finally found him, the police knocked on my door and explained to us that, “he was just being a boy” and “boys just do those kinds of things.” They talked to him and “he promised to stop” and asked me to “stay away” from him at school.
He didn’t stop.
Years later, he sent me a friend request on Facebook. Clearly their talk did not instill any long lasting remorse for his actions.
And this, for me, is the very point of this election: I can and will live under Republican leadership. This is not a partisan post. This is about connecting the dots, this is about understanding rape culture and what it means in the lives of women like me. This has been devastating, realizing how deep these attitudes run in my country and my heart aches for the thousands of girls and women who will come after me.
My plea is to them, don’t be silent, walk with me, and you are not alone…in spite of the results of this election…we are not alone.
I am most sorry for your troubles, but I also believe that it is a mistake – indeed, a mistake for you – to leverage your ongoing sense of victimization and resentment about the outcome of the election as the means to assert some special authority. And while I’m sure that your intention might be to express something positive and constructive, I believe that your approach, which requires the incidental diminishment of others, is utimately misguided and counterproductive. I sincerely hope that you’ll eventually come to understand why this might be so, and find a more effective way to integrate such sad and awful experiences into a more harmonious mode of being.
Jennifer, you always have my support.
Please, don’t misinterpret my comment Sir, but I think you are not even remotely aware of what rape or any kind of sexual harassment means for women or girls…
You did even downplay this crime, are you aware of this? But maybe the word "de-emphazise" would be the more accurate label here…
Sexism is not only still alive, it even got more "approval" from someome who now is the President of the United States and therefore an extremely important role model to future generations….and those young boys as well as young girls who will have watched this election and heard how the President-elect was speaking about women, they received the message that there were no consequences to behaving that way and speaking that way about women….
It is more than a slap in the face of every single women and every single girl…. and especially a slap in the face of those who already had to experience sexual abuse, sexual assaults and sexual harrassments…
….. As it is your comment!
Although I am sorry you choose to react to my comments with hostility, I stand by them nonetheless. It’s simply absurd and irrational to believe that some, much less most even all, Trump voters thought of their choice as an endorsement of sexual assault. I’d be the first to agree that he has been guilty of speech that is thoughtless, cruel and vulgar, but do you seriously view 45 million people in such demonic terms?
It’s inevitably human to harbor feelings of victimization, anger and resentment, but in the end, these are not healthy or constructive emotions, but rather things to be worked through and ultimately transcended. Peace 🙂
Brian Sullivan I never said, that Trump voters thought of their Choice as an endorsement of sexual assault, what I tried to explain is what kind of message children and the youth in general, but also MEN, received by listening to his insulting statements about women and what "man" is able to when "man" has money…. and that this still is a slap in the face of all women, what btw, makes it more than difficult to have healthy or constructive emotions…
And it wasn’t meant to be an attack on you or your view, I am sorry when you had this feeling… Peace back at ya
Egnal Su – please, have no worries at all that you have to feel sorry. If anything, perhaps I should have taken better care to express my thoughts in a less provocative and more sensitive way. For sure, this is a difficult and challenging time for so many of us – here’s hoping we can ride out this dark storm and eventually arrive at a better place.
Brian Sullivan after the storm always comes the light… I hope too!
Thank you!
Egnal Su And what about the alternative that we had in Hillary Clinton and her husband Bill, the certified sexual harasser. Men talk dirty, women talk dirty I dare say even dirtier than men sometimes. It doesn’t mean that everyomne acts on it. Just because our kids dont hear dity language at home doesn’t mean they won’t hear it at scool or on the streets. What fantasyland world do you people live in. Did anyone see Hillary laughing like a posycho after they murdered Ghaddafi with hrer blessing. Trump won, thats how democracy works, get over it.
Brian Sullivan , you are really not understanding this at all.
With all due respects, sympathy and well-wishes to sexual assault victims, both female and male, what exactly is "rape culture"?
The vast majority of American men have never sexually assaulted a girl or a woman, find it abominable, and judge it deserving of censure and imprisonment.
I’d look at the decline of personal moral standards and the decaying American nuclear family as two likely — but not sole — causes of the warped mentalities of those that engage in such evil.
Ivo Krkobabic sorry but you really not understanding…. with this post and by telling her story, this woman is giving victims of sexual assaults a voice… you don’t really want belittle her story don’t you?
Well, "rape culture" to me in this context mreans among others …. that when someone get so many votes that he is able to enter the White House as President of the United States, those people who voted for him clearly supported his view about women which he stated in his speeches and interviews during his campaign…. (btw, you can always listen to it again and again if you like…) and the fact that you asked this qustion and the comments of Ivo and Brian above shows clearly in what culture we are living, because no one of you really understand…
Hello K.J. – "understanding" is a pretty loaded term….