Imagine, kindly friends, this edifying and highly satisfying scene.
Before a baying mob, the condemned men are led to the execution ground. The two – Conservative Party leader David Cameron and current Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn – are stripped and shackled to a stout bench.
The bench is then strategically positioned under the buttocks of a giant bull elephant suffering from chronic diarrhea.
As the crowd jeers in anticipation, the executioner serves a 12-gallon drum of weapons-grade egg vindaloo to the majestic beast. After a short period of waiting – a period of agonizing anxiety for the two quavering pols awaiting Nemesis – the inevitable happens.
Amid seismic rumbles from the belly of the beast, both men are buried forever under a high-velocity torrent of steaming, stinking elephantine excrement.
Alas! The British legal code does not permit capital punishment – let alone in such a crowd-pleasing and creative format. That, itself, is most surely an outrage against heaven – for no two men in the dis-United Kingdom deserve serious, Old Testament justice more than Cameron and Corbyn.
Though hailing from different parties, both have doomed their country. And both are guilty of the exact same offense. They willfully neglected to discharge their respective, democratically mandated and mission-critical duties.
David Cameron – a prancing, privileged, political ponce if ever there was one – set the United Kingdom’s national helm on course for catastrophe. As the elected leader of a representative democracy, he had one duty as prime minister: to lead the nation.
Did he? He did not. Instead he reverted to a monumental cop-out.
With his party riven over membership in the European Union, Cameron – instead of rapping the table, pointing his finger and sternly warning his squabbling members of Parliament to sort themselves out or else – took the path of the poltroon. He called a national referendum.
This was woefully mistaken for two reasons. One: It placed party before country. Two: It was an abrogation of responsibility, for the United Kingdom is a representative, not a direct, democracy.
As we all know now, Cameron’s bet, instead of settling the issue, tipped the UK over the cliff to Brexit. Given that Cameron himself was a Remainer, the incompetence – the utter, gob-smacking doltishness of his pusillanimous ploy – defies belief.
Then we have Corbyn. Dubbed “Comrade Corbski” by sensible folk, this unreformed Stalinist fossil was resurrected from the pits of hard-left hell by party fanatics in a political Black Mass. The Bolsheviks who pulled that off seemed genuinely to believe that such a ludicrous figure – less a working-class hero, more a working-class Nero – could actually win an election in 21st-century Britain.
They learned early on that he could not as Corbyn led Labour into a general election. After that – bizarrely – Corbyn’s comrades patted themselves on the back for stealing a few seats from under the rump of hapless Conservative prime minister Theresa May, celebrating defeat as if it were a victory.
Like Cameron, Corbyn had one duty: As leader of the opposition, his job was to oppose the government. Did he do so? He did not.
With the Tories determined to Brexit at any cost, Labour took in essence the same approach, leaving nearly half of the electorate – those who had voted to Remain – unrepresented. Come Thursday’s general election, the party took a shilly-shally, wishy-washy approach to the greatest, most defining political issue of our day. Unsurprisingly, hordes of traditional Labour voters switched their allegiance to Boris Johnson’s Conservatives.
Result? The mother of all drubbings for Labour. Corbyn will go down in history with Neil Kinnock as the party’s biggest-ever loser.
So what next? Blustering blowhard-in-chief BoJo has now been handed a mandate to tug the UK, kicking and screaming, from the bosom of the European Union. Will there be any parliamentary checks and balances during this process? If Labour cannot pull themselves together, probably not.
The worst possible outcome for Labour now is to let its honking herd of to-the-left-of-Lenin loons double down on their idiocy and find themselves a Corbyn Mark II. (Assuming such an unlikely specimen actually exists, that is.)
The party might – just might – get sensible and find a Blairite middle-of-the-roader who can actually speak to the chattering class. It seems equally likely Laboyr will tear itself apart.
So what is the learning here? It is abundantly, crystal clear but given the vacuous imbecility of today’s political generation, I will spell it out as simply and plainly as possible.
Here goes: If you are a leader – lead! If you are the opposition – oppose!
Roil this natural order of things, and disaster is inevitable.